A letter to the men who'd never…
Updated: Oct 4
I have been racking my brain on how to talk about this.
Sure, I have opinions about it, but those are obvious, or at least they should be.
When it comes to thinking of solutions, real solutions, I find myself feeling like I’ve fallen off a sailboat, trying to swim to shore because it seems to be within a reachable distance, but then I end up almost drowning, and miraculously get washed up on a beach, barely alive…
You know who was and is also barely alive, mentally and emotionally at least?
The Jane Doe who was drugged and raped at a Cornell frat party by 7 men for 7 hours.
You know, it’s shocking that none of us are shocked anymore to hear stories like that. We hear them over and over and over and maybe we are trying to do something about it, but, well, like I said…it feels like drowning.
But this one really got to me, and I can’t stop thinking about what can be done, what has to be done.
So, dear men, this is for you…
I’m speaking to you who maybe knows me personally, maybe we shared a connection, maybe I opened up to you.
Maybe you just know me as a friend, a colleague, maybe you just know of me - “oh, she’s that girl who works with Jane, right?” (we all work with Jane, but I’ll get there).
Maybe you have no idea who I am, but maybe you have a girlfriend, a wife, maybe you’re a father.
Maybe you’re just a guy trying to figure out how to get a woman to like you.
If there is a single bone in your body that’s appalled by what has been done to that woman at Cornell and you can say in good conscience that you have never committed a sexual crime, and no one has ever used your name and the word "allegedly" in the same sentence, keep reading - I am speaking to you.
If not, I sincerely hope you get what you deserve.
But if you are still reading, no, rest assured, I am not trying to shame you, or tell you how horrible you are, or list all the ways in which you are wrong and bad just because you’re a man. There’s too much of that coming from women…
What I want to do is tell you the truth, and I don’t know if you’ll hear me, but I need to try.
Let’s start with this: Can I share some of the things with you that I have done before going on a first date?
Alright, here we go…
I’ve sent your name and picture to a friend along with the time and place where I was going to meet you.
I have changed my outfit 7 times, overthinking “what signals” I may or may not be sending by what I wear.
I have told that friend to call the cops if she doesn’t hear back from me within the next 4h (and I meant it, and she would have done it).
I have shared my location with her the entire time I was on that date.
I have told myself to not drink alcohol for fear of not being able to take care of myself.
I have told myself to never let my drink out of sight and to cover it whenever possible.
Have you done any of these things before going on a first date?
I’m guessing the answer is no.
I am not exaggerating. This is not from a movie. These are things that probably most women you know have done.
Maybe now you’re like, Mel, if you have to do all this, why would you go out with a guy like that in the first place?
Ah, see, this is where it gets interesting.
I want to believe that men are good.
I want to believe that when I am on a date with you, you want me to have a good time.
I want to believe that I can trust you, that the reason you lock the doors of your car is to keep me safe and that you’re precisely not “a guy like that”.
Because you’re right, why the F else would I go on a date with you?
I have been in relationships with wonderful men, who I know to be good and kind. My body has proof that this is possible.
But you know what I also believe in?
The numbers.
(If you feel a part of you wanting to scroll past this because, ya know, “this again”, can you please remember that behind every single statistic is a human? I swear you’re gonna wanna know what I’ll say after this…)
Approximately 31.6% (840 million) of women worldwide aged 15 and older have experienced physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence, non-partner sexual violence, or both. (source: WHO)
In the EU, 1 in 3 women have been sexually harassed at work, jumping to 2 in 5 for younger demographics. (source: European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights (FRA))
And as for the US…
There are 433,000 rape victims in the US every year.
Someone is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds.
For female rape survivors, 98.1% of the time, a man was the perpetrator.
For male rape survivors, 93% of the time, a man was the perpetrator.
Out of every 100 rapes
40 are reported
10 lead to an arrest
8 are prosecuted
4 lead to a conviction
3 rapists will spend a day in prison
97 rapists will walk away free
(source: LaFasa)
I won’t go on, even though I could…easily.
How can one not feel a violent urge to puke knowing that 97 out of 100 rapists face zero consequences???
97!!!
Here’s the thing, rape is not where this conversation needs to start.
These numbers are important to be aware of, but not why I have asked you to read this.
I am one of the “lucky ones” who have never been raped, nor have I been sexually assaulted in a way that still haunts me every day like it does millions and millions of women.
But I still need you, as a man, to have this conversation with me.
Why?
It may not have been “enough” for a criminal case, but I have my own stories I don’t want to relive, and I know for a fact that almost every woman in my circle does too.
However, unfortunately, me sharing how some guy once pushed me against a concrete wall outside and slipped his hand into my underwear after I said he couldn’t stay over at my place is only a story that will earn me a bunch of nods from other women, plus more similar and many, many worse stories.
I’m pretty sure that guy has absolutely zero recollection of what he did, but I still remember, and this was over a decade ago.
…you know, I would love to know what thoughts ran through your head just now when you read this information about me?
Were you angry for me?
Surprised?
Disgusted?
Mad at this man who would do something like this?
See, the thing is, this incident is what we would call “not a big deal”. I never spoke about it or told anyone, in fact it took me years to realize that these 5 seconds were a violation.
I am using this as an example not because I want to share my story or paint myself as a victim (I'm not) but because it doesn’t always have to be rape for it to be wrong and make someone feel horrible.
That's where the conversation needs to start.
Now let me ask you:
What if there’s a woman out there who remembers you like this?
I have never pushed a woman against a concrete wall while shoving my hand down her pants, Mel!!!
Maybe you haven’t (I’m glad you haven’t, please don’t ever), but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have memories with you of something else that didn’t feel good…
And the truth is, you think that no woman has your face glued to a memory like this, but you don’t know.
You don’t know.
You can’t know.
Alright, fine…so what are you suggesting?
This: We, and by we I mean you, need to talk about it.
Hold on, I know you just rolled your eyes and thought some version of “God, you women always want to talk…”
No actually, I think we’ve done enough talking.
Unless you really want more women to share their rape stories on social media and national television, because, trust me, there are more?
Thought so.
((for women reading this: I am not saying we need to stop shedding light on our stories…keep reading)).
The question from the top remains: what can actually be done?
To find solutions, we need to start with the problem, and there are two parts to that:
1. The system (obviously)
This is old news. The laws don’t exist, the ones we do have don't work, they’re too soft, not being enforced, men know they can get off the hook (fucking 97 out of 100???). HR policies are a joke, they will always protect the company over the people. There is no systemic interest to protect women, there are a ton of evidence and countless cases that prove that...
This is not what I want to get into here, but it’s the biggest chunk of this problem.
Imagine your daughter gets sexually assaulted and you can’t go to the police because chances are that the college boy’s daddy is on some board of directors and it would cause “reputational damage” if this got out, so someone is lenient, someone probably gets richer, and your daughter pays the price, you know the drill…this is the norm.
(This is where I am f’ing fuming, but I really don’t want to slam my laptop on the floor because I need it to get this message out.)
The solution for this?
MONEY.
Stop buying from companies, supporting politicians or donating to organizations as soon as you hear of any “allegations”.
You have that power, use it.
Or in other words, stop putting your money into rapists’ pockets, alright? Thanks.
The other part of the problem…
2. The people
Notice how I didn’t say that you, the men, are the problem?
The behavior of the people who commit those crimes is the problem.
And you’ve seen the numbers… so it’s factual to say that the vast majority of perpetrators are men, but not all men are perpetrators.
Right?
Right.
So yes, to speak in absolutes would be unfair.
It is wrong to say that one half of the population is harming the other half, because that is untrue.
As a consequence of “some, not all”, however, you know what is absolutely true?
That not some, but all women are sometimes afraid of men.
100% of women have limited to no experience of what it’s like to feel this one thing all the time: safety.
Whenever the argument is made that women don’t feel safe, I typically hear you reply with a version of one of these two answers:
It is either (1)…
“Yeah, but I am not one of those men who make women feel unsafe”, maybe even followed by an “I love women”.
Well, listen up: You do not know whether you make a woman feel safe or not. You cannot assume that you are “one of the safe ones”, only a woman in your presence can decide whether she feels safe with you or not.
Or (2)…
You’ll say something that makes it clear that you haven’t put any real effort into trying to understand what it really means when a woman says that she needs to feel safe.
“Well, men get abused too” (nobody denies that, but it’s not the fucking point).
“I’ve never thought about it like that” (yes, because you never had to).
“It’s not fair that you women always assume the worst about men, of course I am keeping you safe” (again, how do you know, if you don’t know what I need to feel safe?).
So the two options in the “women don’t feel safe with men” conversations are othering or non-relating.
And THAT is what needs to change.
If you’re in what you would describe as a happy, healthy relationship with a woman who you love, care for and who you want to feel safe with you, I guarantee you that she at some point had or still has moments, as small as they may be, where she is not 100% sure whether she is safe with you.
Maybe it was a fleeting thought she had on your first date that then disappeared forever after you texted her to ask whether she got home ok and you have been doing your best to make her feel safe ever since. If so, maybe she’s one of the lucky ones who have a partner she gets to experience true safety with. Maybe.
Or maybe, you think you make her feel safe, but sometimes she’s under you thinking: If he wanted to, he could kill me right now.
(I know you think this is drastic, but I have been in good and safe relationships, where my partner never harmed me and I still had that thought…)
So hear me when I say (& this may be the single most important thing I wish you'd understood, like really understood):
Even if you’re someone who has never abused, assaulted or done anything like that to a woman, nor given the one that you are with any reason to doubt that, she will likely still have moments where she questions whether she is safe with you.
Read that again.
Even if you’re “one of the good ones”, A WOMAN WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO FIRST ASSESS WHETHER YOU ARE SAFE TO BE WITH.
Yes, even in a committed relationship.
Even if you have never given her any (to you) obvious reason to doubt that.
It’s ok if now part of you wants to ask: but why (all I’ve ever tried to do is be a good partner)?
Why?
Because we do not have (enough) evidence of the opposite, and the evidence you’re building (very important, please do not stop) is just not a convincing sample size in the world we live in.
And also, respectfully, why, is the wrong question.
The right question is, what can I do to change that?
We’re getting to the solutions part:
To that I, again, have two answers.
This is where we’re getting practical, so shake out your shoulders and take a deep breath…
Number 1:
Ask women what being safe means to them and how exactly you can make them feel safe in your presence.
Ask them when and why they have not felt safe in the past (without pressuring them to share anything they don’t want to).
Ask the woman you are with for an example of when you have made her feel unsafe (because you probably have, yes, probably unintentionally, and yes, if she’s open to having this conversation with you, she also knows that it was unintentional on your part, so chill and have the talk) and for examples of when she does feel safe with you.
After you ask these questions, you have to, this is crucial, shut up and listen.
IMPORTANT: Her answers are not a basis for further discussion. None of this is a negotiation. If you truly are interested in making a woman feel safe, her answers are the blueprint for what you have to do*. Period.
(*...obviously, if she’s asking you for a diamond necklace to be safe, maybe get curious about that.)
Number 2 (and this is SUPER DUPER, DUUUUPER important):
Talk to other men about it.
Share what women have told you about how and when they feel safe or unsafe (needless to say, don’t share personal stories, don’t be an idiot).
Share what they have told you about how you can make them feel safer.
AND THEN START DOING IT.
If there is a part of you that now goes “aaah, no, I don’t talk about feelings or stuff like that with my guy friends”, to that I would say: Really? Think about it…you don’t want to talk to your guy friends about things that will (guaranteed) make you A LOT more popular among women??? Think again, buddy…I’m not sure how widely known this is, but it is in fact possible to have sex with a woman without having to drug and rape her.
AND, I hate that I have to add this here, but, if you see or sense that someone you know is mistreating a woman, FUCKING SAY AND DO SOMETHING.
Alright, let’s recap, yes, correct, these are things that you can do as a man who is interested in making any woman around you feel safe (and they work).
Lastly, just to make this loud and clear: as long as we share a planet, we need you, as a man, to do all of the above. As much as the “I don’t need a man” narrative is gaining traction out there, women are not enough to make other women feel safe.
Did you hear that?
Women are not enough to make other women feel safe.
So yes, it is your responsibility as a man who chooses to live in a society with women. It always has been and it always will be, but especially as long as the numbers are 97 to 3.
Here’s exactly why the 97 matter to you too (and another thing I so desperately want you to understand):
If a woman actually feels safe, have you ever wondered what she can do…for you, with you?
Have you ever considered that a woman who feels safe with you might want to give you the things you (not you, hopefully) feel compelled to take from her anyway?
Do you realize how much a woman has to give?
That we are natural nourishers, caregivers, lovers…and that all this gets amplified the safer we feel?
Has that ever crossed your mind?
How much making a woman feel safe benefits YOU as a man?
That safety cracks open layers of depth and connection that remain dead to most of society if you, the men, don’t start to recognize any of this?
I want to say one last thing…
I do consider myself one of the lucky women who has formed connections with men who I know in my bones wanted nothing more than to make me feel safe in their presence.
If I had a million bucks to bet on whether they would ever harm me, I’d bet it all without batting an eye.
But do I think they’ve understood what it truly, truly takes to make me feel safe?
No.
Sure, part of that is the stories I’ve lived in my life and in those partnerships, but a lot of it is about what it actually means to be a woman today.
That’s why I need you.
That’s why every woman needs you.
Love,
Mel
SOURCES:
Comments