I sat in silence for 10 days & 10 nights

I sat in silence for 10 days and 10 nights and I could have never known what it would teach me. 

Now before I get into it, you may want to know… why? 

Why would I give up all access to the outside world, access to books or anything to read aside from the labels on teabags, access to pen and paper and even give up the spoken word…why? 

The answer is simple, actually. 

Because I wanted to find out what’s left when all of that is gone. 

Who am I when all I have are my thoughts?

(And according to this practice, even those I am not supposed to have, ha nice try…).

But for real, who are you when all you get to do is...exist?  

You want to know what the answer to that is? 

Well, the answer is that...it doesn’t matter. 

None of it matters.

Nothing you’ve ever done, seen or touched matters. 

Nothing you’ve ever thought, said or written matters.

No place you’ve ever been.

No person you’ve ever met.

Those were the types of thoughts I started to have a few days into my vow of silence. 

Now you may think that this sounds like I was heading into a deep depression, wailing in pessimism and that this whole “just be with yourself” thing was starting to bring out the worst in me…

But would you believe that among these moments were some of the happiest I’ve ever experienced? 

Alright, I can practically hear you think… Mel, WTF did you do?? 

For years I’ve been wanting to do a Vipassana meditation course.

A couple of weeks ago, that day has finally come. 

Now you may have heard of it and so you know what that is. If not, look it up, because I couldn’t possibly give you a written explanation in a few lines that would do it justice.

What I do want to do is this:

I want to tell you about what actually happened while I was in there…

But just so you don't go off into a google or claude rabbit hole that leaves you more confused, know this:  

Vipassana is a meditation technique that in its shortest version (yes, shortest) is taught in a 10 course that you complete in silence at remote meditation center with gender segregation and an agreement to give up anything that would generate additional sensory input (meaning distractions, aka you can’t read, write, speak or listen to any music, not even eye contact is allowed). You live according to a strict schedule each day, are asked to not wear a watch and meditate, obviously (for 10+ hours a day). 

Mel, that kind of sounds like prison… 

Oh it doesn’t just sound like it, because you also can’t leave. 

Ok close your mouth and keep reading. 

Yes, this whole thing definitely felt like a mix between prison, rehab and a cult. And while I have not been to any of those places, I can confidently say that, after the last 10 days I also do not ever want to go there. 

However, after having been back in regular society for 1.5 days now (at the time of writing this), the answer to the question about whether I would do (something like) this again, is absolutely fucking yes. 

Why? 

Because I have seriously been questioning who the insane ones are…

Was it us, dozens of people who sat on neat rows of pillows in a darkened room for hours on end, trying not to move our bodies even a single inch as to not “mess with the technique” (giving massive matrix vibes, yes I know) and practicing the art of letting go, dealing with an almost unbearable influx of random thoughts, jumping from; did I leave the stove on, to I think I need to pee, to when Johnny hit me in 3rd grade it really hurt, to I’m not sure if my ex ever loved me, maybe he wasn’t capable of it, maybe I am not capable of it, maybe no one is, if his new girlfriend tripped and died I would not be sad…WTF did I just think?? Am I a psychopath? What was Einstein’s theory again? Was he a psychopath? I might be allergic to peaches, if there is a mosquito in my room tonight I’m gonna lose it, ah fuck right, breathing in, breathing out… 

Or is it us “out here” who get angry at a bus driver for being late, or a waitress for bringing the wrong food, or that guy not texting you back or your boss being tone deaf in emails?

Us who believe all of these stories our brains generate each day?

Us who turn on our phones to doom scroll AI generated videos while slowly but surely eroding our ability to judge what is real and what’s not? 

Tell me which are the crazy ones?

Is it actually believing that the barista who forgot to put chocolate powder on your cappuccino purposely did that to ruin your day, or to close your eyes for some time and see what actually happens in your head when you shut it all out? And then learn to deal with it… Which is it?  

Honestly, I had many moments over the course of these 10 days where I wasn’t sure what’s what anymore but the perspectives, experiences and feelings I got to have, were an invaluable treasure that I do not want to miss. 

This Vipassana was probably one of the hardest and best things I have ever done in my life.

Now while some normalcy (whatever the F that means), will surely return to me in the next few days, this whole experience was me taking a big, fat bite that I still have to chew on for a while. 

And I do my best processing in writing, so over the next few days, I am going to take you with me and let you in on my ups and downs, my bliss and my misery, my questions, my answers, my crises and peace. 

I’m here to share it all so that maybe, by the end of it we all feel a bit less crazy? 

Not sure I can promise you that but if you have days where you just look around and go…what is happening here? Have we completely lost the plot? …then these next few newsletters are for you.

Please know, you are very much not alone in feeling like this.

Next time I’ll tell you how this whole course even started and what happened on day 1...  

Stay tuned.  

Love,

Mel 💌