Pt 1 - How it all started, I laughed, I cried, I sat...
Alright so I am writing this on a Tuesday. I got out of jail (the Vipassana Meditation center) on Sunday morning. I have since…
Felt a deep sense of calm and grounding, experienced this profound sense and ability to “do one thing at a time” (shocking, I know??) and this massive urge to avoid going back to “the way we do things”.
Today, was also the first day I went back to work, which means I had to deal with the inbox clean up, the catching up of what happened with my projects, lead a meeting I had no real clue about what I was saying… so you’d think just like any regular old first day back after a vacation, eh?
Nooo…
I am filled with this intense aversion against sitting and staring at a screen for a whole day.It’s almost like this glowing square thing in front of me is sucking out all my energy and my nervous system quite literally feels threatened.
And I can’t help but think, this can’t be normal?This wasn’t like this two weeks ago…?
Was I so desensitized to what this office routine does to me?What it takes from me every day?
The worst part…I can feel myself get sucked back in by the hour.
As I am typing this I seriously have to think of a strategy to make this more sustainable because I am here to tell you… my body does not like this.
Now, of course I don’t have millions laying around that would allow me to pack my nervous system in bubble wrap so that I don’t ever have to expose myself to a stiff neck and tense lower back after sitting on a chair in front of a screen for hours.
Plus, I actually like working… but at the same time it is also, very apparently, sucking the life out of all of us doing this 9-5 dance.
I knew that, I just never FELT it in such a stark contrast like this.
That is not how I went into this course a couple weeks ago...
On Sept 2, 2026 I left my house with a packed bag full of comfy clothes, a yoga block (that's important, remember that), a blanket and a to-do list for the train.
I was in get shit done mode, with a hard deadline, self imposed obviously, but oh man was this a deadline if I’ve ever had one.
Schedule some social media posts
Write the captions for those posts
Make sure all bills are paid and nothing urgent is forgotten that would result in an unpleasant (or expensive) surprise while I am gone
text a list of people who might otherwise call the cops to report a missing person if they don’t hear from me..
anything else one might have to do in preparation of completely leaving society and any form of connection one is wired to having access to 24/7...ya know, easy.
Spoiler, none of this stuff made even a dent or a difference nor could anything actually bad have happened in the blip of ten days. However, I WAS ON HIGH ALERT, LASER FOCUSED, DO IT NOW OR NEVER.
I was stressed, not only because it felt like I was signing my life away but also because I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into.
Was I going to make it through the whole course?
How hard would it be?
Was there going to be enough food?
Was I going to be able to sleep?
It was kind of a strange feeling to be using your vacation time to go do something where your biggest worries were about a human's basic needs…
For reference, this was the daily schedule:
4:00 am Wake-up bell
4:30 – 6:30 am Meditation (in the hall or in your room)
6:30 – 8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00 – 9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00 – 11:00 am Meditation according to teacher's instructions
11:00 am – 12:00 noon Lunch break
12:00 – 1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00 – 2:30 pm Meditation
2:30 – 3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30 – 5:00 pm Meditation according to teacher's instructions
5:00 – 6:00 pm Tea break (fruit and tea for new students, tea only for old students)
6:00 – 7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00 – 8:15 pm Evening video/audio discourse by S.N. Goenka
8:15 – 9:00 pm Group meditation
9:00 – 9:30 pm Question time in the hall / retire to rooms
9:30 pm Lights out
Yes, every day.
Yes, I knew that before.
Yes, I wanted to do it anyway.
Again, if you have never heard of practices like these and you think things like yoga are just to get bendy and hot, then you are now probably thinking these two things:
You’re nuts for doing this.
Agian, WHY?
Number 1, you’re right and number 2, because we are all nuts.
Because this life we’re living is nuts and I needed to figure out what happens when you leave the madness.
So I gave them my phone, put my other valuables in a pouch and into a locker. I also put the pen and notepad I had into that locker after a weak moment of highly considering to cheat on at least this one. I am a writer after all, will I really be able to give that up?
(I was about to find out…and the answer will probably make you laugh).
Then I lugged my duffel upstairs onto the second floor to the last room of the hallway on the left. It was a room with 4 beds. Mine was the one in the corner next to the window. Jackpot, I thought.
I changed out of my dress, into some loose pants (because there was a strict code of discipline that did not allow for any tight or revealing clothing) and made my way back downstairs and outside.
The weather was beautiful, warm, not hot and a bright blue sky doing the name of this place, Mont Soleil (Mount Sun), all the justice.
The house was on a big piece of property with open fields and some parts in the forest. Again split into two, to keep men and women separate, just like the entire rest of the house. Plus, there were clear markings on how far you were allowed to go and where the property ends.
Mel, you sure you didn't actually go to jail and they just called it something else?
I know…
The course hadn't started yet, so people were just roaming around the space, getting settled, talking to each other. There was this layer of uncertainty in the air, what is going to happen?
After some intro talks in the dining area, we were given a last light dinner and then we all met in the meditation hall where then… it started.
We, around 60 of us, took our vow to keep a “noble silence” for the next 10 days along with 5 other commandments (so called silas) that I would learn about the next day.
They were to not:
Kill
Steal
Lie
Engage in any sexual activity
Consume any intoxicating substances
Spoiler, I broke a few of them…I’ll let you guess which ones before I tell you later on.
But this whole not being allowed to talk- thing made number 3 pretty easy. Since I was also not allowed to leave the premises and shockingly there was no Chardonnay on the menu, number 5 was quite doable I must say.
However, you never know, I am pretty creative, maybe I decided to try and smoke some flowers?
After all that it was time to go to bed, there was a 4 AM wake up call. There I was laying in bed in a room with 3 other amazing women (which I had yet to find out, of course, because we weren't going to be able to talk) trying, emphasis on trying, to sleep.
Predictably, the first night was horrible and after what felt like 5 minutes of sleep, I woke up to a massive gong vibrating through the walls.
Someone turned on the lights and we all stumbled to the meditation hall at 4.30 AM where we were going to have to sit and meditate…for 2h.
Remember Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love when she went to India and made it to this ashram where she did exactly this? But then she fell asleep again (and again, and again) and kinda sorta headed toward a mental breakdown?
Yeah… that was me.
Day 1 was ROUGH.
We were not allowed to use mantras (ask me if you really want to know why) but I can tell you that I had one anyway and it was:
FUCK THIS SHIT
FUCK THIS SHIT
FUCK THIS SHIT
FUCK THIS SHIT
FUCK THIS SHIT
FUCK THIS SHIT
FUCK THIS SHIT
FUCK THIS SHIT
Excuse the profanity, though I must say it was quite apt.
And all of the sudden my head had all these very rational thoughts about why I completely messed up being there. It went something like:
I know I had all these good reasons for why I wanted to do this, I know this will be a really valuable experience and everyone who has done this said it was one of the best things they've ever done but what the actual F?
It is pitch black outside, I didnt sleep, I can’t talk and I am now forced to sit here and just focus on my breath…that’s it?
FOR THE NEXT 10 DAYS??
Not only that, they kept playing some tape with this Indian, wait no sorry he was Burmese, dude’s singing of buddhist scriptures and I’m sorry, I know he probably also took these vows and stuff but he sounds like he’s ON SOMETHING, OK??? (Which is extremely judgy of me to say and honestly probably just showed how much I needed this practice, but go on Youtube and tell me I’m wrong…).
I am not joking when I tell you that this state of “what have I done” lasted for the whole 48h that followed.
I have rarely wanted anything so badly as to LEAVE this place.
But I didnt…
because all of the sudden, things started to change.
Love,
💌 Mel
PS. All my newsletters are written by me, not AI (so please flag the typos).
PPS. If you're ready to explore working together - book a discovery call HERE.
Comments