Pt 3 - I was afraid of the pain (and it went deeper than I thought)

It’s day 4, and we were told that this was a very important day.

The schedule was slightly changed for this one, as we were given new instructions on how to meditate. The day had come, we were finally introduced to the actual practice after having only been focusing on our breathing for the first 3 days.

Call me crazy, but I was fully prepared (to the extent that I thought I could be, as we have established) to only be focusing on my breath for the full 10 days. How thrilling that there was more to it… (nope, I haven’t meditated myself out of sarcasm).

(& yes, we would still have to silently sit on a pillow with our eyes closed for up to 10 hours a day, and you know what, it actually was thrilling).

Are you on the edge of your seat wanting to know what it was?

What the actual, real Vipassana technique is about?

It’s a body scan.

Sorry, I forgot the drumroll.

I know, you now might be like…that’s it?

Yes, but guess what?

I, as I will go on to tell you throughout this series, have my doubts and questions about whether this practice is an actually good idea for your average citizen, but…

Bringing awareness to every single part of your body while neutrally accepting any sensation you may or may not experience, from the tickle of your hair to the numbness of your little toe, could be one of the most profound and effective spiritual practices that exist.

There, I said it.

We got a 2h introduction to this technique on day 4.

Yes, this meant sitting still with your eyes closed and no breaks for two hours straight.

I feel like this is a good moment to talk to you about…

Pain.

No, not the crippling mental pain that we’re all carrying as a result of a failed society, parental neglect and an unbearable number of images of children dying across the globe - not that kind of pain - though that’s sure fun to think about as well in a darkened room on a hard floor.

I am talking about physical pain.

For most of us, who don’t have years of meditation training for multiple hours each day, sitting in the same position for only a few minutes will result in some sort of pain. In your knees, your back, your shoulder… that’s your body telling you: dude? MOVE!

OR…

You can use this sensation as a tool for your practice.

You heard me.

That’s what this practice really is about. Noticing something that we may label as pleasant or unpleasant but choosing not to do anything about it (aka not moving your position to release the pain) and rather accepting it, knowing full well that it will pass.

Mel, yes, it would pass as soon as you move your leg…duh??

Right….good catch.

But not the point.

Sure, in this case I could have moved my leg (and trust me, I did more often than not…because yes, it really, really hurt) and relieved myself of the pain, I did have that control.

But do you know how many things in life still hurt and you don’t have control over them?

You can’t change them one bit, as hard as you might try?

Sure, world hunger is one of them, but how your mom treats you is another one.

Or your boss’ passive-aggressive emails at 10 pm.

The fact that your sister always got things without a fight while you had to go to battle for them.

See what I’m gettin’ at?

You may have tried, you may have spent hours in therapy talking about them, but you were never able to change them.

You couldn’t and you never will.

So I am sitting there for an hour and my knee hurts. Like A LOT.

In other words, something is happening that I do not like, but in this case I am given a chance.

I can label it as pain, move my leg and shoot an evil look at the head teacher who’s telling us to just “sit with it”, or.. I can try to actually sit with it.

Let the pain be.

Notice the pain as just a mere sensation in my body that I cannot change, but I do know it will pass. Everything does.

Nothing is permanent, not really. (No, not even that drunken tattoo you got at a bar in Thailand when you were 21.)

Because then what happens, maybe, just maybe… you might find that there is a way to exist alongside the pain.

The pain can be there, and it doesn’t have to cripple you.

It won’t control you or define you or…trap you.

Eventually you can co-exist with the pain, see it as something that shows up and goes away, just like every single hour I spent sitting in that hall had a beginning and an end. The pain never lasted.

What if the pain in your knee is the urge to snap at your partner because He. Just. Doesn’t. Get. It?

What if the pain in your knee is the pain of the rejection you feel when your mother says that thing (you know what it is) that pierces straight into your heart and she has zero clue what it actually does to you?

What if you could one day just be with the pain knowing you cannot control it, knowing that it is not you and knowing that it will pass?

I know you may be reading this now and be like.. sounds like a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?

The pain in my knee (that stems from how you’re sitting, thank you very much) is supposed to be my mother???

No.

Your knee has nothing to do with your mother.

Your ability to observe pain and not let it define you has everything to do with your mother.

And that, my friend, was day 4.

There are two other very significant things that happened that day, but I’ll get into those in the next one.

Plus, since it was honestly one of the best days I had there, I knew that day 5 was going to suck…and it was kind of sort of downhill in many ways from there. Except for day 7, day 7 was great.

But one thing at a time, keep an eye on your inbox.

I’ll get there.

Promise.

Love 💌,

Mel