Birthday Learnings

Melanie
Sep 19
4 min read

Coming to you after a busy (too busy, I'll get into that next time...) week but last week I did find the time to reflect on some things that came up around my birthday. I want to share them with you here....

I don’t know about you, but my birthday always brings up a lot of emotions for me, and not only good ones. But somehow, ever since I turned 30 there’s a new sensation in the mix:

Gratitude.

Now I don’t know if it’s the wisdom that starts to kick in with age, the experience or the therapy but with every year that passes, I find myself feeling more and more grateful for the things I get to learn.

So this year, I want to share 10 lessons I learned in my 20s (mainly, but let’s be real, I’m still learning them) with you:

You can’t force things. I tried.

I really, really did. I tried to force staying in relationships that weren’t right, I tried to stay in jobs that weren’t right... And when I say try I mean do whatever it takes to combat any argument that comes up in my head that would suggest I should do the opposite. I had a whole personality built around: If I say this works, IT WILL WORK. But sometimes, it just doesn’t….and that’s ok. I guess.

And when things don’t happen the way we want them to, well, it’s usually right.

Yes, even if you don’t agree or don’t understand. If you’re like me you have a very set and solid opinion about why this should work, and why everything you’ve thought makes the mostest sense and is probably also the best thing for you (because why would you want it for yourself otherwise, duh?). Turns out, we don’t have all the answers, shocker, I know. But with a little bit of time, somehow, magically, things start to make sense exactly the way they are. (Like when I realized I could have never made it work with a partner who values communication as much as I valued the color of his car....)

Every person IS DIFFERENT.

AKA just because something makes complete sense to you and never in a million years would you understand why anyone would do/ act/ speak differently - they are different. (And they might think the same about you, I know, ouch). Love, you know how many times I was fuming, practiced the imaginary speech I would hold them, because - how dare they??? Only to find out that what I was mad about, was not even a single thought in their mind. Yeah, the stories in our minds are powerful. It’s worth checking in before getting upset. (Trust me, still learning.)

Feelings beat logic.

Life would be so much easier if that wasn’t the case, I know. Look, historically I have not been the best at maths but I would LOVE to be more calculated about certain things in life. However, I’m afraid that even if the pro con list is conclusive, the results are in, it’s black and white on paper, if your gut says no, it’s a no. Also see nr. 1 - don’t force it, Babe.

Trust people by what they do not what they say, but do trust them.

That’s important, DO TRUST the people around you. Just don’t trust them to do what you want them to do, trust them to do what they want to do, and then meet THAT with curiosity. Here’s a very random and not at all real example of how I experience that: “Oh you were so immersed with your friends that texting me back was not even on your mind but the second you got back to the hotel all you wanted to do is call me?” Don’t judge their actions, they are showing you their truth, work with that and only that.

Changing your mind is not a sign of weakness. It’s adaptation.

Tell me honey, how else are you supposed to make things happen in a world that changes ALL THE TIME if you’re not allowed to change yourself?

You can’t change people, you can change yourself.

And that really, really hurts sometimes, because it means you have to watch people go through really dark times and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except - going inward and healing all the hardship within. That will ripple out into the world and be more healing than you can ever imagine….

Things, people or jobs that used to be right for you once, don’t have to be right for you now (and it’s ok to grieve that).

Phew, I could write a book about that…and it all leads to one thing: letting go. It’s funny how we all want to grow but rarely we want to let go of things. But letting go also means making space, for the new things we really want. For me that meant letting go of friendships only to find some magical new connections come into my life. Trust it, letting go works (for you. not against you).

People often speak from their wounds, that has nothing to do with you.

You know how the bus driver yelled at you for keeping the door open a second too long? The shop assistant getting loud for misplacing an item? Yeah, that was not about you. That was a pinch in their day that is linked to something very far from what you did… So, don’t carry what’s not yours to carry.