THIS is how (you really change)...

So last week, I kind of left you hanging, I know.

I have my reasons...

The truth is that the story I actually wanted to write is this one 👇🏼, but then I stopped to wonder:

Why does it feel like it’s the hardest thing I have ever done?

(And spoiler: continue to do).

Sometimes, not all the time, and ESPECIALLY not at the same time when things actually are hard, but sometimes it makes sense to understand what is actually happening in the brain when there’s something we want to change in life.

You know what the problem with understanding is though?

And yes - you can call me out - I spent YEARS trying to understand, analyzing, talking, processing, making sense of anything and everything. I still do in a way, but I realized this one thing that’s honestly the scariest once you start to get what it actually means you have to do...

All that analyzing and understanding happens in the head.

Not in the body.

Shit…

Yeah, I know.

That means that you can write a book about your patterns, explain your triggers until the cows come home but - and this is the problem - only when your nervous system feels safe, when you’re steady, when you’re calm and distant to whatever set you off.

When it’s caught in the storm and everything in your body is screaming "YOU MIGHT DIE", I'll bet every penny, that is not when you can calmly explain the trigger shit show you are experiencing.

Being in fight or flight actually turns up cortisol (stress hormone) and off the part of your brain that allows you to make rational decisions.

Meaning, as hard as you may try, it’s just not possible to stay “cool, calm and collected” when your entire system thinks it's running from a tiger (even though it’s just your partner who said the wrong thing at the wrong time.)

But I promise I’m not going to talk about brain patterns or river analogies anymore (if you missed it last week - you can find all about why it’s so hard to change HERE).

Today I want to take you through the nitty gritty of the how.

As I hinted - or screamed from the rooftops if you've followed my work - it’s my entire mission to help you live from your body not only your head. So the how really means:

How do you get into your body when you're set on changing something in your life but things get rough?

And this is where we’re getting personal…

You know where I have written most of my poetry?

On the bathroom floor.

Why?

Idk, it just seems like a good place for breakdowns ya know?

And I had my fair share of them about things like..

Jobs, relationships, family…life?

It can just be a lot, man

(don’t trust anyone who says their life is easy-breezy, there is no such thing).

When you show up for your life, and I mean really show up - you know what else shows up?

Feelings.

Big ones.

And yeah, I was born in the 90s, I was indoctrinated with the message that I could up my worth with low rise jeans and a flat iron, not by having opinions let alone be vulnerable.

I used to shove down all the big emotions because they were too scary.

Too overwhelming.

Too much.

It’s funny though how trends would come and go, bodies were slowly allowed to take on different shapes along with our eyebrows, but the same situations kept coming up.

They brought the same damn feelings with them that only seemed to intensify each time. Over the years all that self-talk about why "I shouldn't feel this way" and that "I just have to get over it", didn’t work.

Shocker.

So I made a decision.

Since ignoring it all was a dead end, I was going to feel it.

All of it. Yes.

I decided to feel every little thing like my life depended on it, because, well, turns out, it kind of did.

The quality of my life at least and some may (meaning me, I would) argue, what makes a life worth living is whether you can actually - like I already said - show up for it!

I wanted to show up for it and stop numbing myself.

So that meant…

When I felt rejected by a man I thought I would spend my life with, I let myself feel the paralyzing pain until it didn’t mean it was all my fault anymore.

When my phobia of snakes left me with sleepless nights and high blood pressure in a jungle in Sri Lanka, I sat with the fear and visualized these creatures all around me until it turned into protection.

When I lost a family member to a sudden death, I let myself break down into pieces until I found a way to put them back together, into a version of me who can see beauty even in the tragedies of life.

But...

know that, sure, these may read as big, intense, transformational examples - and they were - but these things didn’t happen once.

They happened over months and years. They happen in hundreds of micro moments. But wouldn't it sound so boring if I wrote...

I cried tears for many days while I made my morning coffee until one day I didn’t anymore.

…even if that is really what happened?

The point is big things happen in small steps, but that means big things are possible.

Small mountain creeks can turn into big rivers when you start pouring more water into them.

(Neurology reference, but you get it).

Let me make this practical for you before I leave you for the week.

You (and I) can practice this every day, because the truth is, we run into situations where we can practice this every day.

Ok, but how exactly?

Broken down into mini steps it looks like this:

Notice ( - oh shit, big feelings, WTF is that?)

Pause ( - ok, before I shove it under the rug, let me just...)

Breathe ( - looks like I can still breathe, so far so good...)

Feel ( - wait I can just be here with this thing, and nothing bad happens?)

Repeat ( - let me check just to make sure this isn't a scam..)

for as long as you need until the wave has passed.

The good news is that research shows we cannot actually hold on to an emotion for longer than about 90 seconds (if you do, you’re repeating cycles of overthinking that then trigger the emotion again, hate to break it to you).

Let’s say…

• Your boss says your project needs to be reworked after you’ve spent 7h on it?

• Your partner says they can’t make it to your best friend's birthday even though you told them you really want them there?

• You get home after a long day of work and drop your pre-made dinner on the floor?

Notice. Pause. Breathe. Feel. Repeat.

When you’re in the feeling part, try not to make sense of anything, follow whatever urges arise.

(Real) examples of what I have done in these situations:

• cry (obviously, a lot, a lot, uncontrollably, loudly, messily…)

• scream

• stomp

• punch pillows

• throw pillows

• ripped paper into pieces

• shoved my face into white bedsheets (hello mascara stains)

• jumped up and down

• write (stream of consciousness, no thinking)

• laid on the floor and didn’t move (for like a really long time)

• stare out the window or at the wall

• dance

• broke things (not proud of that, don’t recommend but honestly sometimes necessary)

Whenever I let this happen, I always came out the other side feeling lighter. Sometimes exhausted, but lighter.

Not once did I regret letting myself feel, even when I thought this feeling might swallow me whole.

& no, I did not do these things in the middle of the office (though honestly, I probably should have…but let’s put a pin in that).

There it is, this is how you really get to this change everyone on the internet is talking about.

It’s not easy, but this, is how ANYTHING is possible.

And no, you don’t have to do it alone.

If you have questions about any of this or are just curious about how to start your own journey from your head into your body, set up a free call HERE and let’s chat about it.

Oh and, Happy Easter if you celebrate! 🐰💐

Love,

Mel

💌

Ps. All my newsletters are written by me, not AI (so please flag the typos).

😉

Pps. If you're ready to explore working together - book a discovery call HERE